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November 24, 2009

Old Dogs





Old Dogs (2009) Poster

Two best friends — one unlucky-in-love divorcee and the other a fun-loving bachelor — have their lives turned upside down when they’re unexpectedly charged with the care of 7-year-old twins while on the verge of the biggest business deal of their lives. The not-so-kid-savvy bachelors stumble in their efforts to take care of the twins, leading to one debacle after another, and perhaps to a new-found understanding of what’s really important in life.

Production Status: In Production/Awaiting Release
Genres: Comedy and Kids/Family
Release Date: November 25th, 2009 (wide)
MPAA Rating: PG for some mild rude humor.
Distributors:
Walt Disney Studios Distribution
Production Co.:
Tapestry Films
Studios:
Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
Filming Locations:
Connecticut, USA
Produced in: United States

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This gorilla is in regards to to do to seth green what ‘old dogs’ is going to do to audiences this weekend, and it ain’t gonna be prettya

Whether or not “old dogs” were an individual, i would stab it in the face.

Millions of years from now, after western civilization has fallen and the world has ruptured and cooled and been reborn and a new life form has taken over the planet, whether or not any of them happen to stumble upon a working dvd player and a copy of “old dogs,” they’ll sum up the passing of our culture with two simple words: “good riddance. “

It is rare that i hate a film with the feverish intensity that i feel towards this one, but it hit cool much every single button for me, and by halfway through, i felt like i was going to crawl out of my skin. What i thought was going to be a mediocre family-themed comedy rather struck me as one of the most singularly vile experiences i’ve had in a theater all year. To give you an idea how wretched the film is, whether or not you take the worst robin williams film, multiply it by the worst john travolta film, and then multiply that by “wild hogs,” the last film from director walt becker, you would still end up with something better than this.

“old dogs” is the story of two ostensible adult humane beings who, confronted with spending 14 days in the presence of twin seven-year-olds, promptly go insane and get started acting in a manner which would land anybody in the real world in jail or the morgue. Deservedly. Nothing in this film resembles any recognizable conduct of any actual individual ever. At one point, bernie mac shows up as a puppeteer who in a literal sense wires robin williams up with a magical bio-rig that transforms him into. . . And i quote. . . A “human puppet” who is controlled via remote by john travolta so that williams can have a tea party with his daughter. And altho i was sliding in and out of cognizance by this point, numb from the horror, i’m almost positive a motown song plays over the resulting montage.

And that is not the worst scene in the film.

Ball shots, drug jokes, and a prolonged sequence where john travolta is transformed into the joker are just a heap of of the nightmares that await audiences this weekend. And whether or not it sounds like i’m going overboard on a harmless family comedy, that’s exactly the problem. I don’t think this shape of rubbish is harmless. I am ofttimes horrified by the message of these “family comedies,” and i think hollywood genuinely does give its most vocal critics fuel for when they assert that this town has no idea what original humane values are. I hate the sub-genre in regards to the workaholic dad who just has to learn the necessary life lesson that his occupation doesn’t matter and everything will magically work out whether or not he just spends every waking hour serving every and every whim of his children. I also hate the sub-genre of movies in which rational adults who run their own companies and who are otherwise completely capable are scaled down to simpering morons plainly by having to care for a child. “three men and a baby” is a good example of what i mean. Badly? Three adults can’t figure out in which way to diaper a baby? Genuinely? That’s comedy? It would be pathetic whether or not it happened in the real world, and yet we’re all supposed to smile and nod and just accept it as “funny. ” for me, outstanding humor comes out of recognizing something genuine in the comedy, something that i can relate to, and when i’m watching performers suddenly turn sub-moronic in the name of laughter, i find myself completely unmoved. I don’t think the truly stupid are amusing in real life when i have to cope with them, so why would i think it’s hilarious to watch talented actors play such useless sacks of skin?

There are a heap of very amusing people trapped in this one, like luis guzman and justin long, but they’re given utterly nothing to do. Matt dillon shows up in a pointless sequence involving a camping trip, and even the way scenes are edited in this film confounds me. There’s no beginning or ending to anything. It’s like scenes just get started and stop at random, like walt becker’s so bored by what’s happening that he just decides to cut to something else rather than find an organic way to wrap something up or rather than attempting to build to any sort of punchline. I can’t genuinely blame any of the actors (accept for saying yes), because there’s nothing here for them to do. There’s no way to redeem a script this creatively bankrupt. There was never any hope this would be anything but rancid.

Whether or not you truly hate your family and you’re all trapped together this weekend, and you reeeeeally want to punish them and show them just how little you value their joy, then by all means, pile into the car and rush out to find a theater playing “old dogs. ” but whether or not you have any self-respect at all, and whether or not your time and your brain cells mean anything to you, then skip it. It’s not ironically astounding. It’s not so bad it’s outstanding. It is a soul-crushing experience, causing sad feelings of gloom and inadequacy and sad, bad enough to make me retroactively wish away the careers of all involved.

November 8, 2009

The Blind Side


The Blind Side (2009) Poster

Michael Oher, a homeless African-American youngster from a broken home, is taken in by the Touhys, a well-to-do white family who help him fulfill his potential. At the same time, Oher’s presence in the Touhys’ lives leads them to some insightful self-discoveries of their own. Living in his new environment, the teen faces a completely different set of challenges to overcome. As a football player and student, Oher works hard and, with the help of his coaches and adopted family, becomes an All-American offensive left tackle.

Also Known As:
Blindside
Production Status: In Production/Awaiting Release
Genres: Comedy, Drama, Adaptation, Biopic and Sports
Release Date: November 20th, 2009 (wide)
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for one scene involving brief violence, drug and sexual references.
Distributors:
Warner Bros. Pictures Distribution
Production Co.:
Gil Netter Productions, Alcon Entertainment
Studios:
Warner Bros. Pictures
Financiers:
Alcon Entertainment
Filming Locations:
Atlanta, Georgia, USA
Decatur, Georgia, USA
Produced in: United States

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November 3, 2009

Women in Trouble


Women in Trouble (2009) Poster

One day in the lives of ten seemingly disparate women — including a porn star, a flight attendant, a psychiatrist, a masseuse, a bartender and a pair of call girls — all with one thing in common: trouble. Elektra Luxx is a world-famous porn star whose future is thrown for a loop with the news that she’s pregnant. Holly Rocket is a not-too-bright adult industry newcomer with an inconvenient aversion to girl-girl action. Their paths intersect with, among others, a hilariously suave British Rock Star, a bright neurotic with a dark past and a call girl with a tricky client.

Production Status: In Production/Awaiting Release
Logline: One day in the lives of ten desperate women with one thing in common: trouble.
Genres: Comedy and Drama
Running Time: 1 hr. 35 min.
Release Date: November 13th, 2009 (limited)
MPAA Rating: R for sexual content including strong dialogue, and for language.
Distributors:
Screen Media Films
Production Co.:
Gato Negro Films
Produced in: United States
What does it take to make a good, honest comedy driven by a cast completely comprised by women? And I’m not talking about movies like Sex and the City — which was probably better than I will ever admit — or romantic comedies that have strong female characters, such as When Harry Met Sally. I’m talking about a genuinely honest, even though it’s at times a bit campy, dramedy driven by an all-female cast. A film that doesn’t paint its female characters into a series of specific clichés, but makes them rich, fleshed out (pun intended) women who really jump off the screen. As far as I’m concerned, very few have actually figured out how to do it, especially in recent history.And it was pretty evident that writer/director Sebastian Gutierrez was a bit nervous about his own ability to do it as well. During his introduction of his film Women in Trouble, Gutierrez went as far as to jokingly say that if certain scenes included some obviously bad acting and it was funny, that is how it was meant to be. A safe guard, just in case his brand of humor in this film — which is very different from the stuff he’s written before in Snakes on a Plane, Gothika, etc. — didn’t quite pan out. And don’t tell him I said this or anything, but it all worked perfectly, igniting some roaring laughter from the crowd at the Paramount theater and solidifying Women in Trouble as one of the first films I’ve seen in a long time to actually treat its female characters seriously, even when they are caught in some silly situations.The film essentially tells the story of ten seemingly desperate women, all with their own unique sets of problems, many of whom collide into each other on their journey through one incredibly odd day. There is a world famous porn star named Electra Luxx (Carla Gugino), who has just found out that she is pregnant with the child of a wild British drummer — brought to life by an awesome performance from Josh Brolin. And just as she is finding out this news, her future baby daddy is attempting to woo a sexy flight attendant (Marley Shelton) as he returns from what sounds like a busted tour with his band. But before Electra can get in touch with him, she finds herself trapped in an elevator with Doris (Connie Britton), a semi-neurotic women who is trapped by her own dark past that involves her clever, spry niece Charlotte, played by Gutierrez’s daughter Isabella. These gals seem to comprise the core of the story, but around them are several very interesting and memorable characters, including a pair of star-crossed ladies of the night, played by the hilarious Adrianne Palicki and the ever-gorgeous Emmanuelle Chriqui. There is also Maxine, played by Sarah Clarke, a therapist who connects many of the characters together. She’s just discovered that her husband Travis (Simon Baker) has been cheating on her with Addy (Caitlin Keats), the sister of the aforementioned Doris.It gets a little complicated in explanation, but trust me when I say that all the pieces fit perfectly when arranged on screen. It is truly amazing to discover that this film was shot in 10 days with actors coming and going on an almost volunteer basis. It gives not-so-new meaning to doing things on the fly. Essentially, it is a bunch of talented Hollywood friends getting together and making a movie just because they can, and the end result is a very funny film that gets to dramatic depths that you don’t expect. It rests, as its director would tell you, on the shoulders of these women. And while I think that he’s not taking enough credit for his great creative vision for the project, I would tend to agree that a few of these women really shine. Most notable is Adrianen Palicki, who plays a ditzy porn star who is having trouble with some of her girl-girl scenes. You see, she vomits every time she gets in close contact with another woman’s woo-woo. And at the core of her issue, as she explains to a super-cute Canadian masseuse played by Cameron Richardson later in the movie, is an embarrassing childhood story. It’s one of those stories, and topics, that would not work at all if it weren’t handled correctly, would come off as completely ridiculous. But Palicki pulls it off perfectly with a healthy mix of sweetness and subtlety.The emotional weight of the film seems to rest on the shoulders of Carla Gugino, whose character Electra Luxx will be part of a trilogy, and Connie Britton. Their scenes together deal with some of the film’s very serious topics — motherhood, love, dark pasts and rubber vaginas to name a few. They have some very emotional moments in the film, many of which really add some beautiful layers to the film, but they also have a ten minute conversation about the popularity of the Electra Luxx designer vagina, in their underwear. I am convinced that there is something for everyone in this movie.I would also be missing big if I didn’t mention the precocious, darling performance of Isabella Gutierrez. She’s in this movie for more than just a “take your daughter to work day” element, as she proves quickly that she’s got some chops. As Charlotte, she is a darker, smarter character than anything we’ve seen from a teenage actress in a long time. Think about Abagail Breslin’s character in Little Miss Sunshine, then add a few years, mix in some sharp wit and add a weird Wiccan element and you’ve got Charlotte pegged.Overall this feels like one of those special little films that is the start of something really great. Gutierrez has already shot his second film in the series, Electra Luxx, with plans for the third film currently in the works. And if the next two are anything like this one, rich with laughs and tears and dimensions previously not thought possible with a completely female cast (not because it couldn’t be done, but because it just hasn’t been done), then I am totally in for the long haul. In fact, it wouldn’t be any trouble to get me to revisit the story of these fine women any time soon. And I mean that in the least sexist way — although, I must disclose the Carla Gugino, Adrianne Palicki and Emmanuelle Chriqui in their underwear will always do the trick. What can I say? I’m a simple man.

October 26, 2009

Precious


Precious (2009) Poster

Clareece “Precious” Jones is an overweight, illiterate African-American teen in Harlem. Just as she’s about to give birth to her second child, Jones is accepted into an alternative school where a teacher helps her find a new path in her life.

Also Known As:
Push (Lee Daniels Entertainment)
Push: Based on a Novel by Sapphire
Push: Based on the Novel by Sapphire
Production Status: In Production/Awaiting Release
Genres: Drama, Adaptation and Teen
Running Time: 1 hr. 49 min.
Release Date: November 6th, 2009 (limited)
MPAA Rating: R for child abuse including sexual assault, and pervasive language.
Distributors:
Lionsgate Films
Production Co.:
Lee Daniels Entertainment, Smokewood Entertainment Group
Filming Locations:
New York City, New York, USA
New York City, New York, USA
Produced in: United States

Disneys A Christmas Carol


Disney's A Christmas Carol (2009) Poster

Ebenezer Scrooge begins the Christmas holiday with his usual miserly contempt, barking at his faithful clerk and his cheery nephew. But when the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Yet to Come take him on an eye-opening journey revealing truths Old Scrooge is reluctant to face, he must open his heart to undo years of ill will before it’s too late.

Production Status: In Production/Awaiting Release
Genres: Action/Adventure, Drama, Science Fiction/Fantasy, Animation, Adaptation, Holiday and Remake
Release Date: November 6th, 2009
MPAA Rating: PG for scary sequences and images.
Distributors:
Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures, Buena Vista Pictures Distribution
Production Co.:
ImageMovers
Studios:
Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
Produced in: United States

October 24, 2009

Saw VI


Saw VI (2009) Poster

Special Agent Strahm is dead, and Detective Hoffman has emerged as the unchallenged successor to Jigsaw’s legacy. However, when the FBI draws closer to Hoffman, he is forced to set a game into motion, and Jigsaw’s grand scheme is finally understood.

Also Known As:
Saw 6
Production Status: In Production/Awaiting Release
Genres: Suspense/Horror and Sequel
Running Time: 1 hr. 31 min.
Release Date: October 23rd, 2009 (wide)
MPAA Rating: R for sequences of grisly bloody violence and torture and language.
Distributors:
Lionsgate
Production Co.:
Twisted Pictures, Serendipity Productions
Filming Locations:
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Produced in: United States

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